In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, I feel like the unwitting subject of a social experiment gone awry. Like, really awry.
A Still Life of A Life on Pause: Liam’s clay pot, Mr Grumpy Gomez, is my prized possession & it’s giving me life. Credit: Susan Gelvin
Within just a few weeks, my home has become a multitude of unfathomable things: a bunker, a school, an international banking operations hub, an around-the-clock restaurant (unworthy of any favorable Yelp reviews), a fitness center for shut-ins, a dust bunny sanctuary, and a gaming hotspot. It’s a wonderland of confusion and chaos.
But at least we have each other, right kids? Hello?
Though we don’t live in a sprawling home, each family member has his or her own personal encampment where work gets done. I tend to self-isolate from everyone but the dog, in order to process what is going on and to fully ascertain which new survivalist curveball has been thrown my way. Are we hoarding toilet paper today, or is it just bread and milk?
One must follow the fickle tide of irrational panic-fueled shopping, so you don’t get left in the dust. Since I missed out on the TP and paper towel stockpile frenzy, I decided to do things my way and corner the market on mayonnaise. You heard it here first, people: I donned my sterile gloves and took them on a maiden voyage to Walter Stewart’s Market, where I felt inexplicably compelled to buy the biggest jar of Hellman’s that I have ever seen (or needed). Perhaps an unconventional power play, but should the barter system take a stranglehold on the economy, my massive drum of mayonnaise will surely come in handy.
Having some time to think, and mull over the mayo, I realize this crazy “social experiment” is getting wildly out of hand and my family’s arteries are going to pay for it. But, as fate would have it, the COVID crisis has sparked an at-home fitness craze and it’s seemingly every New Canaanite’s new obsession.
Thanks to social media, there is no shortage of workout options to help burn off the mayo and counteract the pandemic-induced binge-eating. Agoraphobes everywhere are even rejoicing that fitness gurus, Instagram influencers, and anyone who’s ever lifted a dumbbell have tailored workouts for the homebound and ill-equipped. Apparently, these e-workouts are more effective when you actually commit to performing the exercises, versus scrolling through, bookmarking the most promising ones and reserving them for never. Oops.
So, with nothing but time on my dumbbell-free hands for personal reflection and ogling Instagram, I have come to realize that social distancing can feel stifling and oppressive—especially when the weather is uncooperative, there are no events on the calendar and every day is on repeat.
It has also dawned on me that I may have unintentionally prepared my children for this shelter-in-place, end-of-the-world scenario that has rocked my world.
Last June, we Gelvinwalds toured Winston Churchill’s underground bunker and World War II command center in London, known as the Churchill War Rooms. We were mesmerized by the cramped offices, tiny bedchambers and unfortunate chemical toilets. Perhaps my kids are taking their current isolation in stride because they have this historical reference point. They can envision how uncomfortable things could get being stuck underground alongside wartime Winston with chainsmokers, sardines and buzzing typewriters, instead of chilling in our comfy home with circulating air, Playstation, WiFi (albeit spotty) and mayonnaise.
See, it’s not that bad.
One true upside of sheltering “in residence” is our newfound appreciation for family dinner time. Yes, my meal planning is modeled after the TV show “Chopped,” where frazzled contestants (me) are provided a random assortment of items and charged with creating something appetizing. Yet, regardless of what I serve up, it has been refreshing to enjoy dinner as a family without having to run off to practices or rehearsals.
During our nightly family dinner, we have grown oddly accustomed to the 7 p.m. incoming call from Emergency Management Director Mike Handler, New Canaan’s stern voice of reason. As we gather around the phone to hear Mike’s timely coronavirus updates, I harken back and imagine families in wartime London hovering around their radios listening to Churchill’s patriotic addresses from his war rooms. One stark and jarring difference between the two scenarios is that once Mike’s call is announced on the caller ID, I pray that the rate of infection has decreased, and to keep things upbeat in front of my kids, I do my best MC Hammer impression and shout “Stop! Handler Time,” while shuffling across the floor. It’s a crowd-turned-small-gathering pleaser that helps soften the blow of our new reality.
Clearly, being a socially distant shut-in is taking a psychological toll, but if we all follow protocol, the sooner I can re-enter society and remove myself from this awful social experiment…preferably before I get through my end-of-the-world jar of Hellman’s, headline an MC Hammer review, or begin to look like Winston Churchill.
Dear Susan,
You did it again!!!!
and….just when we all needed you.:-)
Great morning read, smile and giggle.
Thank you so much,
Anne Snyder
a good friend of your Mom’s.
Dear Susan,
Thanks so much for your wonderfully refreshing piece. It made me smile and that’s a good thing especially as there seems so little to smile about these days. Keeping a sense of humor is probably one of the most important tools to surviving the days ahead. I am sure many in town can relate to your circumstances. All the best in the days ahead.
Susan, thank you for another entertaining take on our reality today. I have been looking forward to your column, especially since the recent coronavirus has kept us at home. We are also very fortunate in New Canaan to have Mike Handler giving us these informative news briefs. The neighborhood parents have informed me (from 6 feet away) that the NC school system has been doing an amazing job of home schooling our kids. We feel blessed to live in New Canaan.
Hilarious!
“Stop! Handler Time!” One of those, “Wow! I wish I had thought of that!” COVID19 time period sayings that I will never forget. Too funny!
You made my day with your wonderful column! You perfectly described our new reality living in “a bunker, a school, an international banking operations hub, an around-the-clock restaurant (unworthy of any favorable Yelp reviews), a fitness center for shut-ins, a dust bunny sanctuary, and a gaming hotspot. It’s a wonderland of confusion and chaos.” Every day is Groundhog’s Day and yet we are all learning to embrace the small things – our long walks, family dinners, and those odd items we have chosen to hoard. I too, have a large tub of mayo and just bought more in case I run out! This quirk must run in the family… Love you sis.
Thank you Susan, for your brilliant talents of true journalism and never any fake news reported. We are blessed to have you in our town and hood.
Thank you for not making it seem so bad! We will get through this and I really did need a good laugh as well as motivation to work out more- Luanne
Laugh out Loud! We too gather around the phone (placed on speaker) at 7pm to hear Mike Handler. I’m going to have to start calling it Hammer time now. Love it!
Love these pieces, Susan. The mental image of you at Walter Stewarts spotting that Mayo and hoarding it is giving me the best laughs. Thank you for writing this, today!
Thank you for this, Susan! I always smile after reading one of your pieces. I’m right there with you bookmaking some fabulous workouts for NEVER 🙂
Although I have moved to Florida, I still look forward to reading your articles, and they never disappoint. Well done Susan! I just read “Irena’s Children” by Tilar J. Mazzeo, which takes place during WWII in Poland. Let’s be thankful we do have comfy homes to live in with electricity, heat, TV’s, internet, etc., and your articles to keep us smiling! I wish you and your family and all our New Canaan friends, good health! Miss you all!
Susan, leave it to you to entertain us! Love you and am very proud of you!
Excellent! Great reference to the Churchill War Room Museum which we have been to twice. One point on the nightly update calls. They show up on my phone as ‘potential spam’. Interesting classification by the phone company!
Susan, you made my day and expressed perfectly what so many of us are going through. Thanks for sharing your sense of humor and talented writing to spark joy in all.
I don’t even live in New Canaan and I will be thinking about “Stop! Handler time”
Thank you for the levity!
Thanks for the laughs on this gloomy Friday Susan! Brings some much needed humor to our situation. Especially loved the comparison of you being on the food network show, “Choppt”. 😂
I think mine is bigger than yours 🤣 (I mean jar of mayonnaise). You make me laugh! Love it.
Wonderful! Keep writing – you have such a gift!!!
Priceless, Sue!!! Once again, I am giggling as I read. Do you actually do the MC Hammer moves as you shuffle to the phone? Please have one of your kids video this! 🙂 Cheers!